8 ways to help you apologise effectively

APOLOGIES help us mend fences, rebuild trust, establish credibility, and live together with other flawed humans. But few of us are actually competent at it, let alone courageous enough to try it.

A sincere apology can mend broken relationships. Marjorie Ingall, co-author of the new book Sorry, Sorry, Sorry: The Case for Good Apologies, says, “It heals wounds.” Also, it’s a lot of work. To apologise is a brave act because it requires us to go against our natural inclination to defend ourselves and our own interests.

It can be tricky to come up with the perfect apology. Because we all want to maintain a positive self-image, we may become defensive when others suggest we may have behaved inappropriately. Professor Karina Schumann of the University of Pittsburgh’s Department of Psychology has studied the obstacles people face when trying to apologise. “We immediately turn to excuses, justifications, reasons why the victim provoked us,” she says. And if we can persuade ourselves of that, it may remove the necessity of an apology in our own minds. Or, as she further suggests, maybe we just don’t give a damn about making amends in a given relationship. We may also wrongly assume that the apology won’t work or that it will be too awkward to deliver.

However, both the one who apologises and the one who receives an apology benefit greatly from the former. They aid in repairing trusting bonds between people, which in turn reduces stress and boosts emotional well-being. “It’s really unhealthy to hold onto shame and guilt and not try to work through your emotions around negative behaviour and harmful acts,” Schumann says. And there’s evidence that being on the receiving end of an apology can lower blood pressure and heart rate and boost activity in empathy-related brain regions, all of which paves the way for forgiveness and reconciliation.

Here are eight guidelines to help you apologise effectively when the time comes.

Don’t be in a hurry.

Cindy Frantz, a social psychologist at Oberlin College, found that apologising late was preferable to never apologising at all. According to her, there is a “tendency to offer an apology quickly.” This is an effort to resolve the conflict once and for all. And that benefits the abuser while doing nothing to help the victim.She says an apology is meaningless if the receiver doesn’t believe the apologizer means what they say. Before that time, any expressions of regret will be treated as insincere.

Accept information in many forms

For smaller offenses, Ingall recommends a simple text message or an in-person apology. For more serious matters, an email is usually sufficient. Also, “if you really messed up, there’s something very powerful about a stamp and nice stationery and a pen,” she adds. You should apologize, but not on social media because that can be embarrassing for everyone involved.Another rule of thumb according to Ingall is that “when you’re apologising to someone, you have to give them an out.” You shouldn’t make someone feel trapped in any way, shape, or form; give them an out. Don’t, for instance, prevent someone from leaving their office cubicle or leaving their car by leaning against the window.

Get started with a few key words

Say “I’m sorry” or “I apologise” if you messed up. Apologies that fail to actually apologise but instead use phrases like “I regret” or “I feel bad about what happened” are common, according to Ingall. Traditional “I’m sorry if I offended you” and “I’m sorry, but…” apologies come to mind here. To add insult to injury, expressing regret shifts the focus from the wrongdoer’s feelings to your own.

Just take the blame

If you two are equally to blame, there’s no point in apologising. That’s a tough one, and Schumann agrees that dual responsibility is often a problem. However, “I like to encourage people to really focus on taking responsibility for the parts of the conflict that they’re responsible for,” she says. You should resist the temptation to say something like, “I’m sorry I did this, but you also did that.” It’s “normal,” she says, “because we want to contextualise our behaviour and call attention to the fact that we’re also hurt.” But that can wait until later in the discussion.

Call attention to specific words

Choosing your words carefully when apologising in public is important, says Lisa Leopold, an associate professor of English language studies at the Middlebury Institute of International Studies in Monterey. Don’t use “if” or “may” to express regret; saying “I’m sorry if anyone was offended” implies that no one was hurt. The word “but” is also a blunder. She points out that it undermines your argument.

Leopold stresses the significance of beginning an apology with “I” or “my.” Instead of “I’m sorry for the interaction this morning,” try “I’m sorry for my outburst.” Be sure to always employ the active voice. She explains that saying “I’m sorry for what happened” is meaningless because you can’t take responsibility for “what happened.”

The use of adverbial intensifiers like “very,” “truly,” “sincerely,” “deeply,” and “extremely” can also be useful. These can “improve the language of an apology,” as noted by Leopold.

Think through exactly how you’ll make the necessary repairs.

Making amends is essential to any sincere apology. Schumann argues that there will be times when this is a direct possibility: You shattered their prized wine goblet, huh? A new one, on the house! They got coffee on their new dress, huh? Get the dry cleaning on the house.

Symbolic alternatives should be considered if that is not possible. If you accidentally offended someone with a critical remark, for instance, you should apologise. She explains that although “sometimes you can’t repair what’s happened,” it is still possible to consider the future of the relationship. “What’s the best way to convey a pledge to change your ways?” “Hear that this is not going to continue…,” you need to tell the other person.and they have faith in your promise to change in the future.

Show your true feelings.

Schumann says there are many ways to show that your words are genuine. The first rule of a proper apology is that it must be adequate to the wrong done. While “Sorry about that, love” won’t cut it if you’re apologising for cheating, they might if you’re running ten minutes late for dinner, she points out.

Try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes and show them that you recognise the harm you caused and the struggles they had to overcome as a result of your actions. Schumann suggests starting with active listening and following up with questions to better understand their perspective. If you can put yourself in their shoes, you may be able to apologise more sincerely and with more empathy for the victim if you do so.

Don’t count on being forgiven.

The first step is to say you’re sorry. When someone has been wronged, especially if it’s a serious offense, they may need time and space to heal. The natural inclination is to ask, “What’s the matter?” I’m sorry, but how much longer are you going to keep this? If you want to check in, Schumann suggests framing it like this: “I understand this isn’t going to fix everything, and I want to continue to do whatever I can to make this right by you. If you’re not ready to forgive me just yet, I hope you’ll at least be willing to work with me so that we can move on.